World's Best Business Plan

I WANT TO START a business. My plan is for a management team that is a revolving committee of 535 people who gain membership through bribery, lying, campaigning and trying to out-promise each other. Advancement in the committee is through more bribery, subterfuge and generally any of the baser human activities. (If you do not understand this method of advancement you should watch the original Star Trek series episode “Mirror, Mirror” from 1967.)

Being a committee member is lucrative. Members are highly paid and have lifetime benefits. No one is ever fired (unless they screw us in ways that don’t involve sex.) When they leave they still get paid. Forever.

I will not turn a profit. Ever. In fact, I don’t plan to produce a single thing that people will pay for.

I’m going to make you all involuntary investors. I’m going to tell you how much you get to invest. Your investments are not optional and you don’t need to be concerned with them. I will just confiscate them from your paycheck before you get it. You’ll never notice. I promise.

Me and my buddies in the management committee will hire our friends and relatives. We will create primo jobs for people who kiss our asses and do us favors. We will also give them a lot of your investment dollars to do with as they please.

We will tell them to have a good time. Give them unlimited authority to write new rules and regulations that control what you can and can’t do with your property and life.

We will give them an expense account. One that has no limit. And we will tell them not to worry about paying for it – we’ll just take some more of your money, or we’ll give you some I.O.U.s and print some more.

We will build a big city to house them, and to insulate us from the petty, small-minded riff-raff who complain.

Eventually my company will be so popular that it will have 3 million civilian employees – by far the largest employer in the country and one of the largest in the entire world.

Some of these employees will help me track every phone call, email and text message you ever send. Some will help me know where you are every moment of your life. Others will help me know how and where you spend every dollar, who you associate with, and where you go to church. Still others will tell you what vitamins you can take, what cars you can drive, what subjects you should study, and what kind of medical care you can get.

The most important ones will make sure you continue to invest in my business and will harass any organization that encourages dissent.

I will be god-like. In addition to my 3 million employees I will have tens of millions more who support me, clinging to my every word. I will disperse them to roam the country and the digital internets espousing a mantra of tolerance, openness and caring while displaying the vilest hatred for any- and everyone who disagrees with me. (I am particularly proud of this little trick. It’s fantastic. I had no idea it would work so well.)

Big companies and unions will beg for audiences with me. They will line up to give my management team money and trips and expensive gifts. And we will grant them favors for we are, after all, magnanimous and beneficent.

Every few years we will put on a public show. We will parade around the country and tell you how much we have done for you. We will encourage you to “Get Out the Vote.” We will go to great lengths to make you think it matters so that you can feel good. After all, we are magnanimous and beneficent.

Lots of people will make lots of money in this business. You probably won’t be one of them but that’s OK because I will. And you will believe that my business is a force for good. Really. I’m not kidding.

Can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. I think I’ll run for President.